// CLASSIFIED // OPSEC LV 4 CASE 2026-0312-PETE
01 BIO 02 PARAMS 03 INCIDENT 04 MAP 05 FORENSIC 06 OPS 07 PROC 08 REWARDS 09 COUNTER
UPLINK NODE 04
BUREAU OF MEMETIC IDENTIFICATION / DIV. OSINT STATUS. PRE LAUNCH TICKER. $PETE / NETWORK. SOLANA

SUBJECT FILE / VOLUNTARILY DISCLOSED PALM BEACH PETE

FILED AS P. Simel, 71 HANDLE @not_jeffepstein LOCATION Palm Beach, FL

At 14:30 hours on March 12th, 2026, a stranger on I-95 began filming a man driving a white convertible. The stranger believed, audibly and to camera, that the man was the late Jeffrey Epstein. The stranger was mistaken. The man is Peter Simel. He is 71. He plays tennis. He is, the Bureau is required to add, also alive.

CLEARANCEPUBLIC RECORD
PRIOR. OCC.D1 Tennis / RE
SIGN-OFF"Peace out."
THREATLOW
FACIAL RECOGNITION // FR-04 LOCK ACQUIRED
Subject P. Simel: a 71 year old man with silver hair and blue eyes, the face under analysis in this case file. Biometric overlay markers. An overlay of cyan crosshair guides, red biometric reference points on the subject's facial features, and a "NOT JEFFREY EPSTEIN" classification stamp. XY 462.1188 ROT 0.0 ID FR-04 FOV 64.0 CAPTURE_TS 26.03.12 14:30:08Z MATCH 11/11 PTS NOT JEFFREY EPSTEIN
HAIRSLV / TRIM
EYESBLUE
HT.NOT ASKED
WT.NOT ASKED
HEADWEARCAP / RVRSE
STATUSALIVE
LIFE WATCH / D-COUNT Days during which the subject has been, by an unrelated coincidence, alive. Played tennis. Had lunch. Said peace out.
0000
00:00:00 Coordinated Universal Time
Auto refreshed
// 01 BIOGRAPHIC SUMMARY FILED FOR THE PUBLIC RECORD

A case file in need of a case.

The Bureau of Memetic Identification is pleased to confirm the existence of a Palm Beach resident whose principal documented activities are: playing tennis, driving a convertible, and not being Jeffrey Epstein. He is doing all three concurrently.

The subject is Peter Simel. He is 71. He lives in Palm Beach, Florida. He used to play Division I tennis. He used to work as a real estate executive in Manhattan. The late Mr. Epstein also worked in Manhattan real estate, around the same period. The Bureau has elected not to dwell on this.

On March 12th, a TikTok user filmed the subject driving on I-95 and posted the footage with a caption claiming, incorrectly, that he was someone else. A week later, the subject opened the handle @not_jeffepstein. He posted one video. He said, on camera: "I'm not Jeffrey Epstein. I'm Palm Beach Pete." The day after, on CBS 12, he refined the position: "He's a very bad person, and he is dead, and I'm alive." All three claims are correct.

$PETE is the first token to take Pete at his word. The Bureau holds no position in $PETE. The developer holds no position in $PETE. The developer's mother, who serves as legal counsel, has not been informed of $PETE and will ideally remain that way through deployment.

FACTS / VERIFIED LIVE FEED
  1. The subject exists. He has confirmed this on national television three times.
  2. The subject is not Jeffrey Epstein. This is, the Bureau notes, exactly what someone who is Jeffrey Epstein would say. The Bureau believes him anyway.
  3. The subject drives a white convertible with the top down. His cap is on backward. His shades are aviator. None of this is illegal in Florida.
  4. This document is not financial advice. The Bureau does not advise on finance.
// INTERCEPTED STATEMENT / ON THE RECORD CBS 12 / 26.03.20 / PALM BEACH ISLAND
“He's a very bad person, and he is dead, and I'm alive.”
P. SIMEL subject / Palm Beach, FL three (3) claims. all correct. Bureau verified.
// 02 OPERATIONAL PARAMETERS DECLASSIFIED IN PART

A datasheet, without ceremony.

Personnel and asset specifications, reproduced from the case file. Anything in black has been redacted at the request of the subject, the subject's mother, or both.

FORM B 47 / PETE SUBJECT & ASSET DATASHEET RESTRICTED
Subject
P. Simel / Palm Beach, Florida
AKA
Palm Beach Pete
Age
71. Verified by squinting.
Prior occupations
Division I tennis. Manhattan real estate.
Current occupation
Internet phenomenon, against his will
Marital status
Not on file. The Bureau did not ask.
Sign-off
"Peace out."
Catchphrase
"I'm not Jeffrey Epstein. I'm Palm Beach Pete."
Lunch
Standing reservation, undisclosed location, Worth Avenue
Threat assessment
LOW / subject is playing tennis
Ticker
$PETE
Network
Solana
Total Supply
1,000,000,000 $PETE
Liquidity Pool
Burned at launch. Witness pending.
Team Allocation
0.00 percent. The developer offered the subject a bag. The subject said no. The developer offered the subject's mother a bag. The subject's mother said: he is fine, sweetie.
Buy / Sell Tax
0 percent on both sides. The subject does not believe in being taxed on his likeness. The Bureau has elected to respect this.
Audits Performed
Zero. The subject was strongly discouraged.
Launch Platform
pump.fun
Liquidity Lock
100 years. Renewable upon a quiet word with ██████.
Custodian of Record
P. Simel, of Palm Beach. Unaffiliated with the issuer.
SIGNED ON BEHALF OF THE COMMITTEE / [ SIGNATURE REDACTED ] COUNTERSIGNED AND IMMEDIATELY DISAVOWED
// 03 INCIDENT LOG COMPILED IN GOOD FAITH

The subject, as logged.

A chronology of confirmed public appearances. The subject has done nothing wrong. The log is provided because the subject's mother enjoys reading it, and the Bureau is in a position to oblige.

  1. 2011
    ARCHIVAL / a private party
    Subject is filmed receiving a kiss from one (1) Real Housewife of New York City, specifically Sonja Morgan. The subject does not yet know that, in fifteen years, this footage will be the second most viewed video of his life.
  2. DURING COVID
    TIKTOK / a teenager's phone
    A Generation Z bystander encounters the 2011 footage. She reposts it. Caption: why is this housewife kissing Jeffrey Epstein. TikTok removes the clip. The clip, the Bureau is obliged to note, did not depict Jeffrey Epstein. It depicted the subject. The Bureau has reviewed this footage seventeen (17) times to be sure.
  3. 26.03.12
    I 95 / white convertible, top down
    Subject driving in Florida. Filmed without consent. The filming motorist declares, audibly: Epstein is alive. The filming motorist is wrong. The filming motorist becomes the first link in a chain that, six weeks later, ends in 800,000 TikTok followers, all belonging to the motorist's victim.
  4. 26.03.19
    X.COM / driver's seat
    Subject opens @not_jeffepstein. Posts first video. Says: "I'm not Jeffrey Epstein. I'm Palm Beach Pete." Then, in benediction: "Peace out."
  5. 26.03.20
    CBS 12 / Palm Beach Island
    Subject grants follow-up. Says, on the record: "He's a very bad person, and he is dead, and I'm alive." The Bureau notes the rhetorical compression. The Bureau also notes that all three claims are true.
  6. 26.03.29
    CNN / Have I Got News For You
    Subject is discussed by a panel of professional comedians. Subject is not present. Subject is, per his own statement, playing tennis.
  7. 26 SPRING
    ABC / Jimmy Kimmel Live
    Subject appears in studio. Performs with the dignity of a 71-year-old who has been led to believe the segment will run shorter than it does.
  8. 26 SPRING
    NEWSNATION / Katie Pavlich Tonight
    Subject explains that at his age he previously worried about how many times he had to get up at night, and now worries about how many eyeballs are on his social media. The Bureau has filed this under: analogy.
  9. 26.05
    PALM BEACH / South Ocean Boulevard
    Subject waves to a passing tourist. The tourist faints. The subject does not stop. The subject is, by his own account, on his way into town. He has a lunch reservation. It is at noon. He will not be late.
// SUBSEQUENT ENTRIES WITHHELD AT THE SUBJECT'S REQUEST / CONVEYED IN WRITING ON A COUNTRY CLUB NAPKIN
// 04 KNOWN SIGHTING MAP SOUTH FLORIDA / RESTRICTED OVERLAY

Geographic distribution.

Documented sighting locations within the Palm Beach operational corridor. None require action. The Bureau is, however, in possession of the subject's tennis schedule.

// SECTOR FL-PB-04 26.706°N, 80.036°W 6 PINS / LIVE
Known sighting map of South Florida. A schematic surveillance map of South Florida from West Palm Beach to Boca Raton, with marked sighting pins along Interstate 95, Palm Beach Island, and Worth Avenue. JUPITER WEST PALM BEACH PALM BEACH IS. LAKE WORTH BOCA RATON GULF → ATLANTIC // SECTOR FL-PB-04 / RESTRICTED OVERLAY 26.706°N 80.036°W I-95 A1A → SOUTH PIN 01 26.03.12 / I-95 / VIRAL PIN 02 26.03.20 / CBS 12 PIN 03 / WORTH AVE / LUNCH PIN 04 / TOURIST FAINTED PIN 05 / 2011 ARCHIVE PIN 06 / TENNIS, ONGOING // PIN LEGEND RECENT / HIGH ACTIVITY CONFIRMED / SCHEDULED ARCHIVAL
RECENT / HIGH ACTIVITY CONFIRMED PUBLIC APPEARANCE ARCHIVAL / PRE 2026
// 05 COMPARATIVE FORENSIC ANALYSIS INCONCLUSIVE BY DESIGN

Two subjects, a thorough review.

The Bureau has compared the available record of two distinct individuals. We have reached no conclusion. We do not intend to.

MATCH PROBABILITY
UNCALCULATED / WITHHELD
// SUBJECT A / FILE OPEN
P. Simel.
PALM BEACH / TENNIS / LUNCH
  • Silver hair. Regularly cut.
  • Aviators. Regularly worn.
  • White cap. Regularly backward.
  • Convertible. Regularly top-down.
  • Alive. Regularly.
  • Lunch reservation: standing.
  • Sign-off: "peace out."
VS
a comparison
without conclusion
// SUBJECT B / FILE CLOSED 2019
J. █████████.
NOT IN EVIDENCE SINCE 2019
  • Silver hair. Formerly cut.
  • Square-frame glasses.
  • Cap: never observed.
  • Convertible: not on record.
  • Alive: no.
  • Lunch reservation: terminated.
  • Sign-off: nothing further.
NO CONCLUSION REACHED

The Bureau observes overlapping characteristics. It observes, equally, distinguishing ones. It notes, in particular, that one party in this comparison has a tennis lesson booked for Tuesday at 10am, and the other party does not. No conclusion will be drawn from this. The Bureau will, however, note who plays on which days.

// 06 OPERATIONAL MILESTONES NON BINDING

A roadmap, of sorts.

All milestones remain pending until further notice. Dates will be supplied at launch, or will not be, depending on prevailing tennis schedules.

  1. PHASE I01
    Establish a presence in the subject's geographic and digital vicinity. Mention $PETE, gently and infrequently, in the comment sections of his tennis videos. Tip the subject's mailman in $PETE. The mailman does not have a wallet. The mailman is being onboarded.
    Pending
  2. PHASE II02
    Launch $PETE on pump.fun. Burn the liquidity in front of one trusted witness. Mail a complimentary bag to the subject's residence. The bag is returned, unopened, with a hand-written note reading: I AM PETE. The note is framed and hung in the developer's mother's hallway, between a portrait of John Paul II and the developer's tenth-grade school photo.
    Pending
  3. PHASE III03
    Reach a market capitalization of 1,000,000 USD. The developer purchases his mother a new microwave, slightly larger, possibly with a turntable. The developer purchases the subject one (1) tank of premium fuel for the convertible. The subject accepts the fuel. The subject accepts nothing else.
    Pending
  4. PHASE IV04
    The subject is invited onto a long-form podcast. The interview runs six (6) hours. Nothing is conclusively established. The subject's catchphrase trends, for a second time, in seventeen (17) countries. At the end, the host attempts to embrace the subject. The subject extends a tennis racquet between them. The Bureau notes the professionalism.
    Pending
  5. PHASE V05
    $PETE is accepted at every restaurant on Worth Avenue, save the one the subject actually patronizes. Branded merchandise emerges in the wild: lunchboxes, sleeping bags, one (1) brand of off-label sunscreen, and a 1997 model convertible bumper sticker. The subject has not been consulted. The subject has not, however, sued.
    Pending
  6. PHASE VI06
    Phase VI has been sealed by order of ██████████████, the subject's mother, via handwritten notecard delivered to the developer's apartment. Postscript: he is fine, sweetie, please stop.
    Sealed
// 07 ASSET PROCUREMENT PROTOCOL NOT LEGAL ADVICE

How one comes into possession.

The following protocol applies at launch. The Bureau accepts no liability, no responsibility, and no incoming calls. The subject, by his own statement, accepts even fewer.

STEP I01
Wallet

Install Phantom. The wallet. Not the figure of speech. Confirm the spelling.

STEP II02
Fund

Acquire SOL. The Bureau recommends a centralized exchange. The subject, when asked, recommended Bank of America. The Bureau has noted this.

STEP III03
Paste

Paste the contract address into Jupiter at launch. Do not, under any circumstances, paste it into the subject's TikTok comments. He has been through enough.

STEP IV04
Slip

Set slippage to 4.2 percent. Put the top down. Roll the windows. Squint into the late afternoon Florida light.

STEP V05
Hold

Press swap. Say "peace out" once, to yourself or aloud. Hold until the subject makes his next video, or until he does not.

// 08 FEE VAULT / HOLDER REWARDS SYNCING REWARD POOL

Hold. Snapshot. Paid.

Hold $PETE to share the SOL creator-fee pool. Creator fees are sent to the distributor wallet, split by hourly holder snapshot, and paid directly to eligible wallets.

SOL FUNDED 0.0000 awaiting first fee sweep
USD FUNDED $0.00 live SOL/USD pending
ELIGIBLE HOLDERS 0 last snapshot pending
YOUR WALLET NOT AUTHORIZED connect a node to begin
// HOLDER CONSOLE NODE UNAUTHORIZED
01
Authorize Wallet

Connect Phantom to read your $PETE balance. Rewards are automatic, so no stake transaction or claim button is required.

02
Hold $PETE

Keep $PETE in your wallet. The hourly worker reads holder balances and calculates the direct SOL payout from the distributor wallet.

$PETE balance: --  /  lockup: none

03
Receive SOL

Eligible payouts are sent directly to holder wallets. Anything below the dust threshold stays in the distributor for the next run.

AUTOMATIC 0.0000 SOL $0.00

fee vault waiting for configuration

// REWARD POOL TELEMETRY OFFLINE

The fee vault is waiting for the token mint and private distributor wallet to be configured.

// LIVE ACCOUNT READOUT
RPC SERVER PROXY Helius calls stay server-side; browser receives public stats only. WAITING
PRICE SOL/USD Latest price source used for the USD counter. PENDING
VAULT PAYOUT WALLET not configured 0.0000 SOL HELD
CRON HOURLY PAYOUT distributor wallet not configured 0.0000 SOL PAID
// HOLDER TOKEN. $PETE // REWARD ASSET. native SOL // PAYOUTS. AWAITING CONFIGURATION